LARD HAT

These are four of my favorite Spanish proverbs, not because I necessarily agree with the sentiments they contain (well, actually I do) but because they’re so different than the type of proverbs used in the United States. Hint: there’s a lot more vagina in Spanish folklore.

Strange, considering that statistically, the US has almost 7 times the number of (human) vaginas that Spain does. 

So enjoy, you poor puritan bastards! Here they are:

1. Donde tienes la olla, no metas la polla. Figuratively, don’t shit where you eat. Literally, “Don’t stick your dick where you have the cooking-pot.”

2. Encima de puta, pongo la cama. Figuratively used more or less like “adding insult to injury.” Literally, “Apart from being a whore, I have to provide the bed.”

3. Para ser una puta y no cobrar nada, más vale ser una mujer honrada. This one has a nice rhyme to it, and is more pertinent than ever in the midst of our economic crisis. Figuratively, don’t work for free. Literally, “It’s better to be an honest woman than a whore who works for free.”

4. Tira más un pelo de coño que un carro de bueyes. Also known as Tiran mas dos tetas que dos carretas and various other versions. Figuratively it means, basically, that men are known to go to great lengths in order to satisfy/seduce women. Literally, “One pussy hair pulls more weight than an oxcart,” or “Two tits pull more weight than two carriages.”

Statistics regarding Spanish donkey vagina are unavailable as of this writing. Representatives of the Ministry of Donkeys refused to comment when contacted for this article.